I woke up this morning to some horrible news- that my great grandmother had passed away. It was something that I had been expecting over the last month or so- after her health took a turn for the worse, but no matter how much you prepare yourself for the inevitable outcome, it doesn't make it hurt any less when it finally does happen. She was 95 years old, turning 96 in May. Many would say that I should be lucky that I've had my great grandmother in my life for so long. Not many people get to 22 years old and still have a great grandparent alive, and I know I should appreciate the gift that I've had for the past 22 years. I am one of the fortunate ones. However losing my great grandmother is still hard, especially when it was to cancer, because I found myself remembering my grandfather's death a few years ago and his struggle with cancer too. I saw both of them only a day or two before they died and I could sense that something was going to happen both times. I could see it on their faces that the end was near and they were saying their goodbyes.
This morning I had my alarm clock set for 9.30am. I had my mobile phone turned off and I was in a peaceful sleep. I woke up suddenly just before 9am and I felt weird. I had this sick feeling in my stomach like something bad had just happened. I wasn't sure what it was- all I knew was that I felt like I had lost something or someone. My parents are travelling overseas at the moment and so I thought that there might have been a small possibility that something had happened to them, but deep down I knew that they were okay and that something must have happened to my nan. About 2 minutes after I woke up, I heard the phone ring. My sister's boyfriend answered the phone and I couldn't hear the conversation because we were in separate parts of the house, but after he hung up he came over to me and he just looked at me and I knew what he was about to tell me. So I said it for him and he confirmed what I was thinking.
It sucked at that point because he left after that and I was left to deal with contacting my mum overseas and telling her the news in a text message. I mean how do you convey such a thought or such horrible news in an SMS? I was crying by this point and all I wanted was to hug my mum. I wanted to hug her to comfort her but I also wanted her to comfort me. The funny thing about the timing of all of this, is that her and my dad only left the country yesterday. Had this happened 24 hours earlier, I wouldn't have had to deal with it on my own.
My family, especially my sister and my cousins, and my friends have been great and have been sending me virtual hugs through the phone, facebook and twitter but it's not quite the same. My great grandmother was an extraordinary human being. She was generous, kind, caring, supportive and she loved her family very much. One of my favourite memories of her was only 2 weeks ago, when I was visiting her in hospital. One of my second cousins, who I hadn't seen in 10 years was there too and my nan turned to him, took my hand and said "did she tell you she graduated university? I'm so proud of her"...I always saw getting a degree as something to be proud of but I never thought about how much my success meant to my family. To hear my great grandmother say those words, when she could barely recognise half of her family, and had been in a coma only 24 hours earlier, made my heart swell with pride. That what I had achieved was something that made her happy and her proud of me.
So my final words for this entry is a message for my great grandmother from me, in the hopes that it may give me some closure:
"I am so proud to call you my nan. I love you so much and I'm going to miss your presence in my life, but I know you will be looking down at me from heaven and protecting me and guiding me in the right direction. I hope I can continue to make you proud and I know that someday I'll get to see you again, although hopefully not for awhile. Thank you for everything you have done for me and given me over the past 22 years. You will forever hold a place in my heart and I'll be thinking of you always.xoxo"
RIP Nan- WE LOVE YOU! <3
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