So I have to admit that over the past year, I haven't been all that inclined to blog. It's not that I don't enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts with other people but i wasn't inspired by anything in my life. What's the point in using your voice when you don't have anything to say?
I re-read my last post on the so called 'Life Plan' that i created and I thought i should share with you what's changed in my life since. I'm now 25. The age that I feared turning because I didn't have my life together. Well sadly, I was proven right...to an extent. I still don't have a husband, a fiancé or even a boyfriend and I no longer have a job. Suddenly my life plan seems to be moving backwards, not forwards, and I have no idea how to stop it.
Two of my best friends are engaged and planning their weddings. It's hard to not be overcome by the green eyed monster when you're always the bridesmaid and never the bride. You slap on a happy face and play the supportive friend, because you are happy. In fact, you are over the moon that your best friend is getting everything that they wished for, but there's a piece of you who is selfish and bitter, and wonders why the same happiness can't happen to you. I'm conflicted with all of these emotions, and its not fair on my friends. I can't call myself a good friend if I'm only thinking of myself. And really, the situation isn't even about me. It's about them...two beautiful brides planning their perfect wedding day and I should be privileged that I'm allowed to be a part of that. The thing about jealousy is that it's a complex emotion. I'm not even sure if it is jealousy that I'm feeling, perhaps the better word to use is envy. I envy what they have. I want that for myself, and it's hard to watch two of your best friends get something that you want before you.
When my love life was going nowhere, I always had a job to focus on. I worked 5 days a week for long hours, so I didn't really have time to think. I think that is the issue now...that I have too much time on my hands. Overthinking is dangerous territory. After being hurt, emotionally, by the way i was treated at my last job, I made the decision to take a few months off work and re-evaluate my life. I'm slowly learning to rid myself of the negative energy surrounding me and focus on what makes me happy. I have been fortunate that in the past 3 months, I have been able to travel and experience some pretty wonderful things. I've seen the wonders of New York City from the top of the empire state building. I have experienced the nightlife of Paris from the Moulin Rouge and I have shopped till I dropped in London. I've been to the Gold Coast in Australia and had lunch by the beach, and in a few days time I will be heading to Los Angeles, San Francisco and Vegas to see one of my best friends who is living overseas. I've attended the Rolling Stone Awards, I've had lunch dates with friends, I've seen eight musicals on three different continents. It's been the best few months of life. I've laughed and I've cried, but through it all it may be appreciate life so much more.
Over the past week, I have attended a funeral, and heard about the shocking passing of 3 people around my own age, through mutual friends. It made me realise that life is fragile. We are only given a certain amount of time in life, to make our dreams come true. We all spend too much time contemplating the what ifs of the future instead of living for the right now. So what if I'm not in a relationship. So what if I don't have a job. So what if I have to be a bridesmaid 27 times like Katherine Heigl before it's my turn to be a bride. Right now, I have been able to see the world. Right now, I am doing something that makes me happy and right now, I am surrounded by love...love from friends and from family and love for myself.
It's not a fairytale, or a hollywood movie. It's real life and real life isn't perfect. It doesn't always go our way. But we are living, and for right now, we have today, and hopefully tomorrow, and many years after that. Do what makes you happy or find something that will make you happy. People often say that all you need is love, and i mostly agree, but I think the most important thing you need is happiness. Only once you are happy with yourself are you really able to be happy with someone else.
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
